Simply. Only. Just. Me.

Simply. Only. Just. Me.

I was not meant to go through life alone...

Sometimes I feel as though God has forgotten me,

Just sort of overlooked me.

I know he's busy, and I'm not blaming God or even saying that he's forgetful...just saying that sometimes, this aloneness makes me feel forgettable,

Easy to not consider in the great big scheme of things.

I think sometimes when I can't sleep that I just wasn't meant to sleep alone... My dreams are daunting and I fight alone in my dreams or I run alone in my dreams or I stand and face my fears alone, even in my dreams.

I am tired

And sometimes,

I am afraid.

Afraid that this is how things will now and forever be...

Simply 

Only

Just

Me.

Hope Dies Last

There are days 

like yesterday

and maybe

tomorrow

when I so desperately 

want it all to just be over...

and then 

I close my eyes 

and wish

for the final

exhale...

until the inhale comes

and then 

There are

weeks--

even months 

at a time,

when I want to be

enveloped in the darkness

and then

I long 

to close my eyes 

and not see 

not even one more 

sunrise

until I witness the sunset

and then

I realize...

that just before

the last sunsets,

just before 

the last exhale...

I will always long 

for just one more

because

 

Hope... Dies... Last

A Journey To The Center of Tracei (7)

Seven Things I Spend Entirely Too Much Time Thinking About or My Seven Obsessions

 

This one will be short and sweet, or short anyway...

 

1. My weight. Yep. 

2. My keloids. Yep. 

3. My looks. Ok, so I'm completely human. 

 

Now that we've got that out of the way.

 

4. Doctor Who...thought no one ever.

5. Star Trek...see above thought.

 

Seriously though, 

6. Writing. Or the writing I am not doing.

7. My A and My M

A Journey To The Center of Tracei (9)

Nine Not-So-Obvious Details About Me or Nine Ways I Annoy Myself

1. I do not always feel the way I look. When I am smiling, usually there is something wrong growing subtly in the pit of my stomach. When I am frowning, I am somewhere far away blocking out the present and remembering the past or thinking about the future. My looks can be deceiving.

2. I am forgiving. I forgive and forget quickly and without much thought about it, after I have vented thoroughly. I don't hold grudges, and it is likely that I will not remember what the problem was a few days later.

3. Contrary to what was said in #2, I remember hurtful things that were said to me and I replay them over and over in my head without meaning to, I also replay my hurtful words said to people I love, over and over until I am sufficiently tormented by those words. I can forgive and forget wrongs done to me, but I can't forgive myself the wrongs I've done others. Crazy.

4. I enjoy touching scars, and hearing scar stories. Quirky, I know.

5. I enjoy cooking and trying new foods from different cultures. I don't enjoy meat as much as I used to. My favorite meal is kimchee and rice, with a close second being scrambled eggs and rice, coming in right in front of avocado slices and rice. As much as I love rice, we hardly ever have it anymore. 

6. I liked climbing trees in my childhood, and I wouldn't mind climbing one right now, but it's not likely to happen. Trees are mighty protectors and I always felt comforted when cradled in the limbs of the oak tree outside my bedroom window when I was growing up.

7. I want to travel in outer space. I always have.

8. Oftentimes, I do not enjoy the company of others and I just want to be alone, but I hate being alone and I want to feel connected to others. But not too many others, and not all the time. It's complicated.

9. I feel as if I just don't belong here sometimes. The big here, like in this time and in this place, like I belong in the past, in another era, in a village, in a field, just not here, not now.

A Journey To The Center of Tracei (10)

Ten Reasons I Love My Life or Ten Reasons I Haven't Just Offed Myself

1. I am blindly hopeful to a fault. I see hope in the hopeless. I continue to hope in the absolute beauty which is humankind, even when it seems there just isn't reason left to hope. I see dishonesty in children everyday, and a callous me-first mentality that baffles my brain, I see selfish, inconsiderate, obnoxious behavior that leaves me speechless, and then sometimes, when I meet their parents, I understand completely. But yet, I am hopeful when I read my students' writing and a little girl speaks of wanting to be a spiritual leader and I watch her and see the spirit leading her throughout the day and again, I am hopeful. I see some tearing others down, but there are always those who uplift and encourage, and I continue to hope that I am not a destroyer, but a constructor of what is good and hopeful in this dark, bitter, icky world.

2. I love to learn. I enjoy taking in knowledge. From books, music, movies, people, plays...I love to learn.

3. Outside. Being outside is simply worth living for... trees dancing, birds singing, clouds causing my imagination to soar, the blueness of the sky, the greyness of the sky, the redness of the sky, damn it, the sky. Grass, red clay, sand, mud, gravel, the ground beneath my feet, better yet, beneath my back, with the clouds moving in formation telling cloud stories, listening as the birds chime in and out within the clouds ballad of a journey around the earth. The sun, the moon, the stars, the other-worldliness of other worlds.
 

4. Memories. The old ones that surprise me when they resurface because of an odor, a taste, a color, an unexpected sound...and then I am there again in that older place, remembering a remembrance of a time passed.

5. They things that haven't happened yet. The possibilities of the future.

6. My children. They are the continuation of me in a new way designed by their own minds to be presented in their own ways in their own time in their own place. 

7. My faith and belief in happiness, no matter how relative, it is there. 

8. I love Tracei, not everyday, not in every way, but I do love me, and that hasn't always been so.

9. Peace, quiet, time to think and reflect. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's worth the wait.

 

10. My link to other humans. Touching, not being alone, feeling connected to people that I love.

Kitchen Table

February 1, 2013 Stone #1


Wars have been fought,
Battles have been waged,
Spirits have been broken...
at our kitchen table.

Fits have been pitched,
Someone might have even been called a bitch…
Children have been snatched up,
all at our kitchen table.

Stories have been told,
High school drama reenacted,
Poetry pondered,
Innumerable X's have been solved for…
still at our kitchen table.

Laughing at the events of our day,
Singing Fireworks--(loudly and off key)
"Cuz baby you're a firework…
Come on show them what you're worth!!!!!"
Dancing in our kitchen chairs,
Eating chicken tacos at midnight,
Waving our cellphones in the air like we just don't care…
Chanting "Afro circus, Afro circus…"

Thinking as I watch my daughters laughing, singing, and texting…
They've turned into women at this kitchen table.

Broken and Blessed

January 24, 2013 Stone#21

We're all broken

held together with a wish and prayer…

I found a gift certificate to Fox's Pizza,

it was worth $25.

I'd mislaid it about a year ago--

found it yesterday,

tucked quietly away in an unread book.

We're all broken

expelling deoxygenated air…

I watched the sunrise and mallards fly

before school yesterday morning.

Resigned in my heart that after a night in the dark,

yesterday would be better than the day before.

We're all broken

Repeat after me, 

"Take a deep breath and care."

I may be broken, but I will,

"Take a deep breath and care."

Hope Through The Darkness

January 23, 2013 Stone #20:

"Even in darkness, hope is real."~TW

"True hope survives the darkest night."~DDM

burnt orange
burst of flame
blazing a path
through midnight's
indigo haze

Sunrise
portrait of things hoped for
achieved.

What He'll Get Is Me

January 21, 2013 Small Stone #19

This is from 5/21/12. Yes, I'm catching up. Only two days behind on stones, and about a month behind on other stuff, but alas…I at least at the last stanza today. Yeah, I think it's lacking a whole lot of something, so don't judge. But then, if you're here because I gave you this link, then I know you're not here to judge me and if you're here because I gave you this link, then you also know that I ramble on occasion, like now. If you're here and I didn't give you this link, well looks like you stumbled into a rabbit hole huh? I hope you don't get lost and stuff.  Anyway, today's small stone is a throwback to 5/21/12 like I said before.

When I’m Dreamy
He’ll Let Me Dream

Because I am a Believer
He’ll Believe in Me

When I’m Angry
He’ll Let Me Rant

When the Darkness Comes
He’ll Bring Me Light

When I Waver
He’ll Be My Support

When I’m Misunderstood
He’ll Understand Me

One day my prince will come,
and he’ll get me...

Being Okay

January 19, 2013 11:45pm Stone #18

Tonight, 

I need reassurance.

Tell me,

in that way that you do,

Tell me,

everything is going to be okay

because if you tell me,

I might believe you…

Maybe.

Probably.

It's likely anyway…

Instead you asked the question,

Hey kid, are you okay?

In answer to your query--

I am always in all ways…okay

except in those moments of weakness

and self doubt, when I am not…okay

like tonight,

and maybe tomorrow,

if I think too hard about yesterday…

But yes, in answer to your query--

I'm okay.

Feeling Kinda Blue...

January 19, 2013 Stone #17

Okay, so I'm trying to catch up and actually have as many stones as the actual date and today is the 19th and I only have 16 stones, so instead of stressing the small stuff…I am posting something I wrote sometime towards the end of 2012 in order to, you know, have as many stones as the actual date. So yeah… but listen, I really like this piece and I haven't actually put it out there for all the world to see, so here it is for all the world to see, or at least the like four people who have this URL. (And to the four, maybe five people with this URL, love y'all!) ;) 

What Kind of Blue are You?

I feel blue…

but not like 

my dog got struck by a car

and my rent is passed due

and don't nobody love me 

(not even my mama)

no, not that kind of blue 

kind of blue.

I feel blue…

but not the 

birds flying in sky

way up high

free and easy

cool and breezy 

kind of blue.

I feel blue…

but not like 

the ocean beneath the summer sun,

not like the royal blue one piece swimsuit 

with puffy white ruffles on a chubby toddler's bottom

who giggles when the salty waters creep up and mold 

her toes into the sandy beach.

nope,

not even that kind of blue.

I feel blue…

know what kind of blue?

Dr. Who blue

London Police Box kinda blue

Bigger on the inside kinda blue 

Travel through time and space

TARDIS blue

kind of blue!

Images of Peace 

kind of blue

Cerulean

23 

Content and satisfied 

The point where the sunset and the ocean meet…

kinda blue.

An Ode, Such As It Is...

January 19, 2013 Stone #16

"Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun, and I say

It's alright…"

~The Beatles

18 grayish, rainy days

18 overcast, frosty nights

Since you've graced us

with your precious, warming light...

Lift me 

Lift me 

Way up high…

Wrap me

Wrap me  

in your blazing rays

Coil your beams

round

me

round…

Hug me

Hug me 

hard

baby

hard

Kiss me

Kiss me

like you 

missed me

missed me…

Burn me 

Burn me

with your spinning fire...

Spin me

Spin me
round

baby

round...

Big Yellow Bus

January 18, 2013 #15

"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round…"

they come 

some come ready

to bare their souls

or their troubles

or their woes

others come

bubbling over 

with excitement 

or angst 

about everything 

or nothing

they come from homes 

with daddies and no mommies

with mommies and no daddies 

with mommies and daddies

with no mommies or daddies

they comes from homes

with just grannies 

with just poppies

with me-maws and pa-paws

some come from homes 

with aunties and uncles

with big sisters or big brothers

some come angry 

heads down, fists up

some come cowering

afraid to speak up

some come innocent

not ready for the real world

they show up

ready or not

waiting for us

to reach out 

to them

It's What Women Do

January 18, 2013 Small Stone #14

Remember when I was 13? she asked.

It's etched in my flesh with an exacto knife, I replied.

I'm sorry, she said, I thought you hated me, I really did.

We made it through, I mused.

we always did,
we always do,
we always will…
make it through,
it's what we do…

day after day
a way 
out of
no
way

Last night she said, 
I miss being 17
and
I miss high school
and
I miss the stupid boy friends
and
I miss the hard times,
because they were better than 
the sad times I have now
and
I miss crying for no reason, 
because lately… 
I have real reasons to cry.

I said,
Chin up buttercup…
we always make it through,
it's simply what women do...

Daughters & Daddies

January 18, 2013 Small Stone #13

daughters know daddies
make it so

daughters reach for daddies
to hold them up
to catch them
before they make contact
with the ground

daughters think daddies
make it so

daughters expect daddies
to protect them from
the big and bad
that appears after dark

daughters wonder if daddies
really know how to make it so

daughters hand daddies
their fragile hearts
crushed by boys
who are not their daddies
but somehow, they are

daughters know daddies
may not always make it so

daughters never understand daddies
who just have to go...

I Am Not The Enemy

January 15, 2013 Small Stone #12

I am not the enemy
Not the hostile combatant
Not the guerrilla seeking to sabotage your rule
Not the antagonist to your protagonist 
Not the formidable foe
Not the assailant,
                           bandit,
                                      criminal,
                                                   NOR
                                                           disputant.
I. Am. Not. The. Enemy.

Split Second Timing

January 14, 2013 Small Stone # 11

"Somebody going to emergency
Somebody's going to jail
If you find somebody to love in this world
You better hang on tooth and nail…"~The Eagles

everything can change 
in a second…

a heart can cheat
a heart can break

in a second…
fresh new baby  lungs may inhale
while another takes one last exhale

in a second…
there may be love at  first glance
in the next second,
not one  more second chance

it takes one second to begin,
and it takes one second to end...

Bite-Sized Miracles

January 11, 2013 Small Stone #10

"Bite-sized miracles make a blessed meal." ~TRW

"Blessed meals feed the hungry soul."~DDM

Who says miracles have to be huge?

My miracles come in tiny morsels everyday.

This morning I woke up.

Miracle.

I didn't hit the car that pulled up behind me just before I pulled out this morning.

Miracle.

I have somehow managed to not run out of gas, even though the needle is beyond the E. 

Miracle.

Money? It's short, but it stretches whenever I need it to.

Miracle.

Food? May not always be what I want, but I always seem to have enough.

Miracle.

Health? Somedays I feel mighty bad, but I know someone else is worse off than I am.

Miracle.

I am still here,

still kicking and screaming 

just like the day I arrived.

Miracle.

Waiting

January 7, 2013 Small Stone #7:

Note: Written on my phone yesterday, posting it today.

It is what it is…

Time 

Sunrise to sunset

From wax to wan

Time 

It  changes everything...

By 2030...

January 8, 2013 Small Stone #8

Note: Yes, I am aware that small stone #7 is MIA. It will appear from the darkness later on today.

By 2030…

I want to be at peace with me

I want to sit on a warm, sandy beach

and watch the sun take a drink from the ocean...

By 2030…

I want to have danced with complete abandon

around a fire pit until I fall sprawled out on our 

spinning orb...

By 2030…

I want to have taken a train to Washington, DC

I want to touch, hear, taste, smell, and see 

all that our Capitol has to offer…

By 2030…

I want to travel by ship to the continent of Africa

I want waves to surround me the way they surrounded

those held captive in chains,

No matter how improbable, I want to reverse their pain…

I want my accomplishments to show that their survival was not in vain. 

By 2030…

I want to be teaching creative writing and literature

at a college level to young writers with galaxies in their eyes…

By 2030...

I want my grandchildren to sit with me,

rock with me, and tell me their dreams…

By 2030…

I want to be at peace with me.

My 13 Happy Things:

January 6, 2013 Small Stone #6:

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…"~Dori, Finding Nemo

My 13 Happy Things:

1. Swings

2. Crayons and coloring books

3. Clean sheets of paper

4. Chocolate chip cream cheese cookies

5. Drooley baby smiles

6. Home

7. The word mama

8. Singing and dancing in the kitchen

9. Harry Potter 1-7

10. Hugs, hugs, hugs…

11. Sky, grass, sand, sun, ocean, flowers, outside, yes just being outside…

12. Really, really, really bad jokes

13. My blue blanket just out of the dryer

"Light up the darkness."~Bob Marley

Sometimes...

January 5, 2013 Small Stone#5:

Sometimes up…

…sometimes down

More times up than down

Sometimes joy…

…sometimes pain

More times joy than pain

Sometimes, 

living is just a habit

Sometimes,

just a habit I want to break…

Sometimes,

there is laughter,

laughter born of pain…

like flowers 

blooming after the rain… 

Sometimes,

there is a sweet humming

signaling

a sudden remembering

of fading bluesy 

times gone by…

--TW

HIdden Treasures

January 4, 2013 Small Stone #4:

Note: I have taken on the task of lighting up the darkness with this blog, to collect small stones throughout the day and place those small stones here in order construct a solid bridge between this stagnant place halfway through the darkness and the illuminated other side where self worth is all aglow. Today I collected no small stones, not even a pebble or crystalized grain of sand. So here is a poem from my stored away collections of words, just something to share if there is anyone out there reading this.

Hidden Treasures

by Tracei Willis

free from
dog-ear'd pages
torn corners
frayed edges
coffee stains
greasy finger prints

hidden treasures
waiting to be found

fresh clean crisp
like wind starched
cotton threaded
linen
pinned to the line
in the spring

treasures found
hidden
beneath the cover
between the pages
of an oldish
new book

Back Then…Here Now

January 2, 2013 Small Stone # 2:

Note: This small stone was somewhat precious to me when I wrote it; I went back in today to edit a misspelled word and to fiddle with word placement and perhaps revise a bit, and damned if I didn't delete the whole entry. Talk about throwing out the baby with the bath water and such. Well. I don't know what is about to appear on this page as I attempt to recall yesterday's thoughts, I doubt it will be remotely the same because I am no longer in the same state of mind. Alas, nothing, here goes…

Had I a machine that would manipulate time,

I would haunt my childhood in search of forgotten moments.

Moments of clear contentment…

ice cubes of tropical punch Kool-Aid,

blue raspberry freeze pops, 

creamy orange sherbet push-ups 

concealed beneath Fred Flintstone's pudgy body.

Moments of pure exhilaration…
hands grasping rusting chain links on public park swings,

Okay, I tried. It's not coming back to me at all. If you read it, I am glad, at least it was not written and lost in vain. If you did not get a chance to read it, that's really too bad, it was a nice little stone. From time to time, check back and I will continue to try to restore it to it's original state. As it stands, I give up for now. 

Well, well, well…I am a lucky duck. After consoling myself and berating myself and then consoling myself again. I opened my phone to a page in safari and there stood yesterday's stone preserved in time, just this one blog like it had never disappeared. 

I guess that is a sign that this one is a keeper. To some degree anyway...we'll see won't we?

Had I a machine to manipulate time,I would haunt my childhood searching for moments of clear contentment...the simple satisfaction of ice cubes made of tropical punch Kool-Aid,blue raspberry freeze pops,and creamy orange sherbet push-ups 

concealed beneath Fred Flintstone's pudgy body.
moments of unadulterated exhilaration...arms outstretchedhead hanging backelated shriek caught in throatlegs thrusting forwardhigher than heroin...freer than a second cousin's hand-me-down shorts…knowing that one more push and the sky would be this time, just this once within reach.Moments of unexplainable hilarity--barefoot summer races down gravel roadssweaty limber tanned bodies rolling down red clay inclinesnaturally occurring dusty snacks of muscadines, honeysuckles, and blackberriesmosquito bites, tree climbing, grass stained, ashy, scraped knees, punch buggy bruises…Had I such a time machine…I would revisit those moments,re-feeling oh-so-delicious feelings,taking note of every

single

solitary

minuscule 

circumstance happening in my surroundings…

then pack up a box crammed to overflowing 

with sweaty

sticky

sweet

moments,
send that box through time and space
open that box at this moment 

right now 

in the here and now
then remember every single sweaty, sticky, sweet moment all over again,
right now,
in the here and now.

Chasing Hope

January 3, 2013 Small Stone # 3: 

We did that dance that intimate strangers do,

the smile

the nod

the how-do-you-do?

Faces close enough to kiss,

breathing in one another's warm exhalations…

her hands swathed in blue latex,

scrapey-thingy in one hand, mirror in the other

with both hands in my mouth

she relays the story of her two-year-old daughter 

who is a survivor, who is a fighter, an endangered Bengal tiger…

She was no more my tormentor...

instead she was simply a mother who comforts the mute 

while probing gum pockets, 

scraping away plague,

and making note of fractured molars in need of repair…

She spoke of cancerous cells 

invading her infant's body,

stealing her dear one's sight…

She spoke of tireless journeys
from I-59 to I 55, Memphis bound

where her daughter boxes
round after round of radiation at St. Jude's.

She spoke of never giving up and chasing hope
while examining and polishing my teeth.
She is a dreamer, a hoper, a never-give-up-er…

She said, "I'll see you in six months, Tracei."
I said, "Thank you, Christine…"

Intimate, yes.
Strangers, no longer.

Humanity Redeemed

January 1, 2013 Small Stone #1:

coleslaw--crunchy, 

cherries-4.78lb., 

mission tortillas--soft, flour small

"Is that all you have?"

"Yes."

"Please, go ahead of me."

humanity redeemed 

on a greyish rainy day...