Simply. Only. Just. Me.

Simply. Only. Just. Me.

I was not meant to go through life alone...

Sometimes I feel as though God has forgotten me,

Just sort of overlooked me.

I know he's busy, and I'm not blaming God or even saying that he's forgetful...just saying that sometimes, this aloneness makes me feel forgettable,

Easy to not consider in the great big scheme of things.

I think sometimes when I can't sleep that I just wasn't meant to sleep alone... My dreams are daunting and I fight alone in my dreams or I run alone in my dreams or I stand and face my fears alone, even in my dreams.

I am tired

And sometimes,

I am afraid.

Afraid that this is how things will now and forever be...

Simply 

Only

Just

Me.

Hope Dies Last

There are days 

like yesterday

and maybe

tomorrow

when I so desperately 

want it all to just be over...

and then 

I close my eyes 

and wish

for the final

exhale...

until the inhale comes

and then 

There are

weeks--

even months 

at a time,

when I want to be

enveloped in the darkness

and then

I long 

to close my eyes 

and not see 

not even one more 

sunrise

until I witness the sunset

and then

I realize...

that just before

the last sunsets,

just before 

the last exhale...

I will always long 

for just one more

because

 

Hope... Dies... Last

A Journey To The Center of Tracei (7)

Seven Things I Spend Entirely Too Much Time Thinking About or My Seven Obsessions

 

This one will be short and sweet, or short anyway...

 

1. My weight. Yep. 

2. My keloids. Yep. 

3. My looks. Ok, so I'm completely human. 

 

Now that we've got that out of the way.

 

4. Doctor Who...thought no one ever.

5. Star Trek...see above thought.

 

Seriously though, 

6. Writing. Or the writing I am not doing.

7. My A and My M

A Journey To The Center of Tracei (9)

Nine Not-So-Obvious Details About Me or Nine Ways I Annoy Myself

1. I do not always feel the way I look. When I am smiling, usually there is something wrong growing subtly in the pit of my stomach. When I am frowning, I am somewhere far away blocking out the present and remembering the past or thinking about the future. My looks can be deceiving.

2. I am forgiving. I forgive and forget quickly and without much thought about it, after I have vented thoroughly. I don't hold grudges, and it is likely that I will not remember what the problem was a few days later.

3. Contrary to what was said in #2, I remember hurtful things that were said to me and I replay them over and over in my head without meaning to, I also replay my hurtful words said to people I love, over and over until I am sufficiently tormented by those words. I can forgive and forget wrongs done to me, but I can't forgive myself the wrongs I've done others. Crazy.

4. I enjoy touching scars, and hearing scar stories. Quirky, I know.

5. I enjoy cooking and trying new foods from different cultures. I don't enjoy meat as much as I used to. My favorite meal is kimchee and rice, with a close second being scrambled eggs and rice, coming in right in front of avocado slices and rice. As much as I love rice, we hardly ever have it anymore. 

6. I liked climbing trees in my childhood, and I wouldn't mind climbing one right now, but it's not likely to happen. Trees are mighty protectors and I always felt comforted when cradled in the limbs of the oak tree outside my bedroom window when I was growing up.

7. I want to travel in outer space. I always have.

8. Oftentimes, I do not enjoy the company of others and I just want to be alone, but I hate being alone and I want to feel connected to others. But not too many others, and not all the time. It's complicated.

9. I feel as if I just don't belong here sometimes. The big here, like in this time and in this place, like I belong in the past, in another era, in a village, in a field, just not here, not now.

A Journey To The Center of Tracei (10)

Ten Reasons I Love My Life or Ten Reasons I Haven't Just Offed Myself

1. I am blindly hopeful to a fault. I see hope in the hopeless. I continue to hope in the absolute beauty which is humankind, even when it seems there just isn't reason left to hope. I see dishonesty in children everyday, and a callous me-first mentality that baffles my brain, I see selfish, inconsiderate, obnoxious behavior that leaves me speechless, and then sometimes, when I meet their parents, I understand completely. But yet, I am hopeful when I read my students' writing and a little girl speaks of wanting to be a spiritual leader and I watch her and see the spirit leading her throughout the day and again, I am hopeful. I see some tearing others down, but there are always those who uplift and encourage, and I continue to hope that I am not a destroyer, but a constructor of what is good and hopeful in this dark, bitter, icky world.

2. I love to learn. I enjoy taking in knowledge. From books, music, movies, people, plays...I love to learn.

3. Outside. Being outside is simply worth living for... trees dancing, birds singing, clouds causing my imagination to soar, the blueness of the sky, the greyness of the sky, the redness of the sky, damn it, the sky. Grass, red clay, sand, mud, gravel, the ground beneath my feet, better yet, beneath my back, with the clouds moving in formation telling cloud stories, listening as the birds chime in and out within the clouds ballad of a journey around the earth. The sun, the moon, the stars, the other-worldliness of other worlds.
 

4. Memories. The old ones that surprise me when they resurface because of an odor, a taste, a color, an unexpected sound...and then I am there again in that older place, remembering a remembrance of a time passed.

5. They things that haven't happened yet. The possibilities of the future.

6. My children. They are the continuation of me in a new way designed by their own minds to be presented in their own ways in their own time in their own place. 

7. My faith and belief in happiness, no matter how relative, it is there. 

8. I love Tracei, not everyday, not in every way, but I do love me, and that hasn't always been so.

9. Peace, quiet, time to think and reflect. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's worth the wait.

 

10. My link to other humans. Touching, not being alone, feeling connected to people that I love.